9 March ~ 2021

February was a cold month. I saw a picture of my backyard one year ago today, and the grass was already greening up. I have yet to see one green blade so far, and I have been watching for them.

I must have an affinity for the cold, since I always go out walking in it, and have been known to backpack in the mountains in December, January, and February. Beyond that though, my icy disposition may be what has kept me single all these years. (cold heart).

The truth is that I have been an introvert my whole life - shy around people, more comfortable with dogs, perfectly happy to go hiking and backpacking alone. But I wonder about some of the opportunities lost because of my quiet nature. A near fatal accident caused me to be in the hospital for 8 days when I was 22. A nice looking nurse in training about my age kept coming in to chat with me, and we clearly had a connection - I remember talking to her about the college courses she and I were taking. I couldn't understand on the last day why she seemed to be unhappy with me. I wondered later if it was because I didn’t ask her out.

I was working at Target as a camera store clerk the next year, still in college, when I met my exwife. We talked for quite a long time, and we agreed on a date to play tennis. Yes, we had a connection, but it is no mystery how that turned out. She got bored with me.

Even when I go out dancing I stay back until a song with a good beat comes on that I like - then move forward to find a partner. Sometimes I don’t stay long. After a few good songs I am ready to go home and recharge for a few days.

When I was younger I wondered if something was wrong with me, that I didn’t feel all that comfortable in social situations. It took a while to understand that is just how I am, and will always be. There are a lot of people who have a quiet personality.

And maybe that part of my disposition is why I have such a desire to go out and see the beauty in nature on a regular basis.

“Love winter when the plant says nothing' - Thomas Merton

“Nothing in all creation is so like God as stillness' - Meister Eckhart