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The dogs and I made a second March trip out to Utah, taking advantage of another break in the weather. Days were warm and sunny, and I actually drove up in the higher country along the divide road above Castle Valley to camp. I always sleep better in cooler weather. The highlight was coming down off the mountain and seeing the morning sun break through and light up the ancient rock formations in the Valley.

The wranglers on my trail ride at Hauer Ranch were Stephanie and Tasha. Both were very capable and interesting, and helped make this a memorable trail ride. I mentioned to Tasha on the way back that of all my trail rides around the West and the Rockies, this one, in the dry terrain of junipers, rabbitbrush, and sandstone outcroppings, is my favorite, because of the scenery. The landscape east of the ranch near Fischer Towers is romantic and beautiful, and it is understandable why people travel from all over the world to visit it and Southeast Utah Canyon Country. (This was my third time riding at Hauer Ranch; They have a kennel in the shade to put the dogs in while I am riding, which is rare for a ranch, and I really appreciate)

The dogs and I spent a whole day exploring an offtrail canyon in the San Rafael Swell. I came across many large Junipers, which I have said before is one of my favorite things in Canyon Country. The trunks twist as they grow to give them strength from the wind, and can live hundreds of years.

I go up to some of them and place my palm on their bark, and in my mind I figure they are sensing my presence, my spirit. It was the perfect temperature during our hike, in the high seventies and no wind. All I wore was a t-shirt and was comfortable all day long. On the way back the dogs and I took a rest in the shade of Navajo sandstone escarpment. No one else has been around all day long, and the dog stretched out in the comfortable sand and absolute silence.The sky was so beautiful blue, and for a few moments all I could feel was peace in the wildness and the companionship of my good dogs

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More journal notes:

6 April: I was concerned because Beau was reluctant to eat much during our trip. When I got home I took him to the vet, who thought he must have eaten something that upset his stomach, and gave me probiotic to administer to him each day.

Two weeks later he is still not eating, including chicken or tuna fish, or even dog treats with peanut butter on them. These are all of his favorite foods, and I was very worried so I took him to the vet again. Tests showed no parasites. Xrays showed no obstructions, but blood test indicated a chance of intestinal or prostate cancer. Tomorrow he has an appointment for a ultrasound that will tell me more.

At first I found myself getting a little frustrated that Beau would not eat. But then the vet said he's very, very sick. She asked me to leave him there connected to an IV on Friday, until later in the day. I made it to the truck, but sat there a long time until I was in a condition to drive.

My grief is for my good friend and companion, but in truth, also a bit for myself, since he would take a big chunk of my life with him.

Part of you believes things will always stay the same — that’s human nature. But a hard life lesson is no matter how carefully we try to tend to things, they wear down — like Beau, and as recent health tests have reminded me, like myself.

I’ve been having some heart issues, which even led to a 4 hour cardiac stress test last week. The results were not perfect, but good enough that I can continue my habits which include extreme exercise, for now, as long as I feel okay doing them.

That’s the catch though, isn’t it? 'As long as I feel okay.' There will be an end to it all, just like with Beau.” But If you've had a life well lived, you think back on it all, and it fills your heart with gratitude.

For the adventures we've had all these years, the early mornings climbing to alpine wilderness, all the beauty and freedom we've seen and experienced.

So I've got my bedroll spread out near where Beau sleeps, where he can curl up by my legs, and I can reach out and stroke his head and back and tell him I love him, again.

10 April: The scans showed Beau had intestinal disease, which is causing his blood protein levels to be dangerously low, and the reason he is not eating. The doctor talked to me about letting him go. For now though she put him on Prednisone, a steroid, which hopefully will give him some more time. He still has some moments of joy, so it is not yet. He went out early this morning in the front yard and chased the ball with Jess.

We have all been through this bittersweet time with our dogs. Sad, but happy we gave them a good life. It is now that it hits you just how much you love them.

I looked at the compilation of photos of the life we had together and yes, it was heartbreaking. I am still sleeping on the floor in the laundry/dog room, next to him.